I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
