I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My room smells like vodka and shame
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
