my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
