The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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