U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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