Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
