PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
