So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
