Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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