Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
