I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
