dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
