I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
