Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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