I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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