i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
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