my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
