I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
