My Higher Power is John Stamos
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
