He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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