I looked at my own cervix.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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