tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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