Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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