the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
