I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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