hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
