omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize