I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
