Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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