he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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