just come out here and I will go home with you...
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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