I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
