im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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