you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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