I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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