I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
