he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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