all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
You have to summon your inner elephant
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
