I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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