Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You left your phone here
Wait...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
