Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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