you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
