I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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