He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
