So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
How external is "for external use only"?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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