I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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