Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
