Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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