I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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