I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
and you fell through a lawn chair
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