I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
