It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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