We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
