1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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