Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
