and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
