True but thats because hes a fetus.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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