yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
